Updated: Apr 28
It had once happened;
21 years of age. , A spring day in the desert. Hot stale air outside.
outside on the balcony of our condominium, smoking a cigarette. Going over in my mind; my place in the universe and my place in life. When a preying mantis appeared.
Not a scary insect by any means.
Nothing to be afraid of.
Nothing to be afraid of.
at that moment
A profound realization of all things.
But not in a happy sense or a joyful one... perhaps it should of been, but ....
it was a necessary junction of time and space ...
a moment that would set out my life from that point on.
It was not an instantaneous thing. Not out of the blue. for the previous 6 months , give or take, I had been having waves of understanding. Mostly , not making sense with any of it.
Our places in the world, the unfairness of social and class hierarchy, and the unwillingness or ignorance to accept it.
All this occurred after the event that changed America , Americans and the world.
I was still at a phase of looking at the artist life and career with dreamy eyes and hope in what others would teach and seeking opportunity.Working in a retail environment, starting a family (young, I know ... but after all - I was only following a social norm - without even understanding it.)
And for a small amount of time I believed like many that hard work with a company would earn me a living.
Also a hope I could build my art career as well as hold employment and be a good servant at the same time.
Slowly I began to realize the cards stacked against me. Slowly I began to understand my place.
Slowly I began to understand playing by the rules laid in place would only keep me exactly where I was.
Now, back to that day in time.
It looked at me like it was transmitting information.
May seem odd, but for a moment, everything made sense and felt completely beautiful - And at the same time everything felt meaningless and frightening.
A void appeared and I stepped inside.
Looked into it.
This moment changed me.
I stayed on that balcony for about 4 hours. Not able to move out of confusion and fear.
As the days moved on slowly my life became dismantled. Consciously and unconsciously.
If I believed in regret, I would regret the manner in which I began to seek my new realization of life.
But, I do not believe in this. And today, near 19 years later, I know everything that happened always will happen and was necessary for the reality that today I exist.
As the days moved on from that moment on the balcony I dove headfirst into subjects I had been only dabbling with before. Mysticism, meditation, concepts of peace and yoga. But also my fascination with the mind and using narcotics as a way to achieve a form of enlightenment.
Being untrained as I was , these efforts only led me into depression as the actors all around me further distanced themselves from me and I from them... this realization that swam over me was confusing ... like a data dump of encrypted information in my mind with no way to decipher.
Seeking the advice of psychologists and psychiatrists, priests, spiritual people or just about anyone - hoping to find something in them as a guiding light... someone to talk to and also because at the time, this realization being misunderstood, I simply only wanted to live a”normal” life.
Leading me only to the next phase of it all. Being labeled and branded as imbalanced and crazy.
Medicines pumped into me to “make me right” for the world.
These medicines would ultimately work as intended. To control my realizations - to make me numb. To make me passive.
But at the same time - they did not work. Only made me more depressed as each day that realization faded I felt madness grow even more.
I secluded myself.
For the most part only seeing my family. But I was never there.
Never present anywhere.
Felt as though my mind was scattered throughout time and space.
I would find myself slowly becoming two people. One of self destruction. And one of intense need for connection and safety. The combination of which ... was disastrous.
It would not be until I was 26 after this maddening wave hit its peak with an accidental death.
The rebirth - both literal and metaphorical, became the second moment of realization in my timeline... and also another moment in time and with a few wonderful guides to steer me to better myself.... that would mark an 8 year journey to this next phase, where I am now.
Things have been happening again.
None in particular but as really the last 5 year journey as a whole.
That realization from all those years ago has become clear.
There is an understanding now that words and even visually, sonically, written or spoken can never even begin to communicate it - much less describe it.
Not so much really a need to share any of this. More to simply document it for myself.